I won’t lie. This has been a tough week. And what’s depressing is that much of it was brought on by me and my own choices.
Last week I began egg yolk reintroductions. I hadn’t had eggs since I began the Whole30 Auto-Immune Protocol in July, so it had really been a long time – about 3.5 months. I bought the fanciest local eggs I could find for almost $7 to make sure I wouldn’t react to grains or chemicals in them. My husband Ross made me hollandaise sauce to enjoy over brussel sprouts. All is tasty, no negative reaction that I can discern. 72 hours later all is still happy – my lingering sinus infection is still hanging on a bit but nothing else. So I make a quiche-like dish for the week. 9 egg yolks, broccoli, chicken sausage, bacon. It’s ridiculously tasty and I realize how much I have missed eggs.
I’ve been eating this deliciousness every night with dinner. By day 4, I was dealing with worsening symptoms that it seemed might be dietary. Foggy head, some occasional knee pain, and I was getting tired earlier than usual. Day 5 was worse and overall aches were becoming an issue too. By Day 6, yesterday, I had to admit that egg yolks, at least daily, aren’t agreeing with me.
Now, this doesn’t have to be a life sentence. First of all, I still have a touch of a sinus infection. Until that’s gone, my body is working a bit harder than it likes to. So maybe my healthiest body could handle eggs a bit better. Also, I am free to reintroduce them again in three months. And finally, I actually tolerated them well initially and then for a few days. So having eggs once or even twice a week is probably a fine treat for me. It just can’t be a daily thing.
But despite knowing all of this, I can’t help but feel a little depressed this week. I know I’ve reacted really badly to gluten. Now I’m learning eggs are at least somewhat problematic. (Not to mention egg whites…will those be worse? I really, truly hope not.) I feel myself mourning for all of the amazing foods I can’t eat anymore, and mourning the dishes I love to cook that I may never eat again. I’m mourning all of the fantastic restaurants I haven’t visited and may never want to now, knowing the compromises I’d have to make or what it would do to my body.
And I’m fearful about the other allergies I haven’t tested yet. Like nightshade vegetables, including peppers and my beloved tomatoes. And dairy. Can I ever have dairy again?
You’re reading the words of a woman who is obsessed with dessert, who has an ice cream blog and who loves to bake and to eat bread. My world has shifted and my options may continue to narrow, and I’m scared and angry, frankly. I know there is much more to life than this. But life without fancy ice cream or real Mexican food would be so much less appealing.
I’ve also become frustrated to realize that during a more stressful week like this one, my gut instinct is still to overeat and emotionally eat. I want to eat too much squash or sweet potato, even though I know I won’t feel well later. I want to eat all of the sweet things I can find in ridiculous quantities. Do I control myself in the face of temptation? Yes. But the fact that I have to resist overeating at every meal makes me sad. I want to be someone who just eats well to live and occasionally indulges in a treat. I love feeling healthy and thin. But recognizing that the dessert demon isn’t going away is unfortunately a truth I need to acknowledge. I hoped I could break the habit during my Whole30 (really a Whole60) but it didn’t work.
I hate to end on a depressed note, so I won’t. The good news is there is still plenty I can control. I’m enjoying beautiful sunny days with walks outdoors and time to exercise with weights too. I’m getting plenty of rest and enjoying good for me treats. I bought peppermint creamed honey which is extremely satisfying and reminds me of fudge when I put it on coconut milk ice cream. And my relationships with my husband, friends and family are going well.
I love my life. And I know that with persistence, I can keep making it better, even if it can never be what it once was. Thanks for reading and stay strong!